Menu
THIS IS THE SAME FOR DADS
The grief they experience is the same that we all feel when somebody important to us passes. It is not dependent on how far the pregnancy progressed. We can expect that these dads will struggle with emotions such as denial, anger, and guilt.
Dads tend to prioritise their partner’s needs over their own. This is a way of showing support for her. This doesn’t mean they are not hurting.
Health workers and family tend to focus their attention on mums when families’ experiences the loss of a baby. Many dads have reported that this has made them feel that their grief is somehow less important.
It may be better not to talk about your own experience unless it is highly relevant. It is usually best not to make suggestions about manning up or moving on.
Make contact: Simply acknowledging the gravity of his loss is a good place to start. Make contact and offer simple and sincere thoughts that recognise his baby’s life.
Listen: Just ‘being there’ for the dad when he is ready and willing to talk. This is a source of comfort and can help ease his feelings of isolation.
Offer practical help: An offer to help is most effective when it is both genuine and specific. Remember that he might be finding it difficult to think and plan. You could offer to cook some meals (or let them know you are doing it), you could offer to mow a lawn, weed the garden, or care for pets and other children. This will help dads to feel that his loss is acknowledged and supported.
Connect: If you know another dad who has experienced a similar loss you could try putting them in touch.
Be patient: He might have trouble doing things that normally came easily. He might be less tolerant and withdraw.
Keep in touch: You may want to take this opportunity to organise a regular event (tennis, a walk, a swim etc) that you can do with him while he gets back on his feet.
Follow his lead: This is a time when it is best to listen without trying to offer solutions.
Following are some tips on what you can say to grieving parents and what to avoid.
AVOID… Saying nothing
If you stay away it may seem as if you don’t care, which reinforces parents’ feelings of isolation
INSTEAD… Make contact with the family as soon as you hear their news
Being a bereaved parent is not contagious. Keep reaching out even weeks, months and years later.
Here are some things you might say…
“I’m so sorry to hear your baby died.”
“I’m thinking of you.”
“I miss him/her too.”
“I remember when you found out you were pregnant – I know you loved her from the first moment.”
AVOID… Offering unsolicited advice
Listening is often more helpful than telling, suggesting or trying to fix something.
INSTEAD…Offer patience and respect
Follow their lead. Don’t be afraid to ask parents what they are comfortable with and be sensitive to their reactions.
You might try saying:
“Would you like to talk about him/her?”
“What do you need from me right now?”
“I know there’s nothing I can do to make this better but I am here for you.”
AVOID… Focusing only on the mother
Ask how dad is doing. If you always only ask about mum, this reinforces dad’s feelings that his grief doesn’t matter.
INSTEAD… Remember the whole family
Mums and dads may need support in different ways. Other children will be grieving too.
You might try saying…
“How are you both coping?”
“Would Lily like to come for a play on Friday?”
AVOID…Looking for a silver lining
For example, it is not helpful to say things like…
“At least you can have another baby.”
“It probably wouldn’t have lasted.
“You’ll fall pregnant again soon.”
INSTEAD… Acknowledge their pain
Don’t be afraid to acknowledge their pain and offer simple, sincere thoughts.
For example you might say something like…
“It’s terribly painful to lose a baby.”
“I’m here for you.”
”You’re still a mother/father.”
“I’ll never forget your baby.”
AVOID… Judging or dismissing their feelings
For example, it is not helpful to say things like…
“You shouldn’t feel like that.”
“You don’t really mean that.”
INSTEAD… Allow parents to express themselves freely
Even dark feelings like envy, anger, blame and guilt – these are normal feelings.
You might try saying something like…
“Feeling that way doesn’t make you a bad person or that you are not OK.”
“It’s okay to talk about this. I expect that you’re feeling a whole range of things.”
AVOID… Not mentioning their baby for fear it will further upset the family
INSTEAD… Say the baby’s name and look for cues to remember them
Parents often say they love talking about their baby and hearing their name. Remembering significant dates/ anniversaries through a card or phone call will show parents their baby lives on in the hearts of others.
You might try saying something like…
“I know today is your baby’s birthday. Would you like to do something special to remember him?”
“I saw this today and thought of Oliver.”
AVOID SAYING “Let me know if I can do anything to help?”
This question can be overwhelming as parents may not know what to ask for.
INSTEAD… Offer practical support
Take initiative and be direct.
For example say something like…
“I am going to drop dinner around on Tuesday night, OK?”
“What do you need today?”
“Can I mow your lawn on Saturday. I want to do that for you.”
“Is there any support you need that you are not getting?”
REFERENCE & ACKNOWLEDGEMENT This information was prepared for SMS4dads by Red Nose
Richard’s research revealed possible long-term negative impacts on the children of dads with mental health issues. Fathers’ depressive symptoms in the first year after the birth predicted behaviour problems in their children years later.
“If dads’ mental health has such a dramatic impact then we need to be screening dads for depression, not just mums,” Richard explains.
In response to these limitations, Richard and his team have designed a smart-phone based program that allows mobile connection for new and expectant dads.
Participants receive texts containing information and links, and self-report their mood. If the mood tracker identifies dads as needing extra support, they will be offered a phone call from a counsellor trained in this area.
Following the success of the pilot of the SMS4dads program, Funding was received to enable a National roll-out.
“When dad’s miss antenatal classes or activities, they also miss out on contact and links to other people. They may never get the chance to say to anyone, look I’m really stressed,” he points out.
“SMS4dads is a way of bringing dads into the health system and keeping them linked in with services and support,” explains Richard.
Richard credits a varied career, a talented and innovative team, and much life experience for affording him the insight needed to address the challenges related to actively engaging dads.
After completing his masters in Medical Science, studying epidemiology, Richard earned his PhD focusing on fathers and attachment.
“Fathers are invisible in many places, and that is endemic. Not because people dislike fathers, but because the system is set up to be focused on mothers.”
Some services and organisations are aware of the need to engage dads, but have been unsuccessful in their attempts.
“When people are challenged about this, they generally want dads involved,” Richard affirms.
“Often, however, they just don’t know how to do it.”
Richard works with health professionals on issues related to fathers, and has delivered many antenatal programs for expectant dads.
He credits his own family with giving him an understanding of the role of fathers needed to make his work relevant.
“I have three daughters and two stepdaughters,”
“My kids would say they taught me just about everything I know and they’d be right. They’ve taught me a lot, and still do.”
Richard’s research revealed possible long-term negative impacts on the children of dads with mental health issues. Fathers’ depressive symptoms in the first year after the birth predicted behaviour problems in their children years later.
“If dads’ mental health has such a dramatic impact then we need to be screening dads for depression, not just mums,” Richard explains.
In response to these limitations, Richard and his team have designed a smart-phone based program that allows mobile connection for new and expectant dads.
Participants receive texts containing information and links, and self-report their mood. If the mood tracker identifies dads as needing extra support, they will be offered a phone call from a counsellor trained in this area.
Following the success of the pilot of the SMS4dads program, Funding was received to enable a National roll-out.
“When dad’s miss antenatal classes or activities, they also miss out on contact and links to other people. They may never get the chance to say to anyone, look I’m really stressed,” he points out.
“SMS4dads is a way of bringing dads into the health system and keeping them linked in with services and support,” explains Richard.